Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Numbers Don't Lie

I hate having my picture taken.  Always, always have.
So, posting pictures of myself and talking about myself is a very big deal for me.
This post is probably the most exposing post I will ever write.
I'm not quite certain why I'm doing it,  I just know that I am.

Ever since I began to understand what "fat" is, I have always thought I was overweight.
I focused on those places that were thicker than the other places.
As a child I was pear shaped.  
Lovely top and middle, but I was focused on my "saddle bags".
When I got married I weighed 110lb!  
A number that astounds me today.
I thought I was fat.
Eric asked me to wear a bikini on our honeymoon.  
I gave in and wore one.
I looked at my honeymoon photos and thought, "Geez, look at those thighs!"
I look at those photos now and wish, wish, wish I had loved that body.
It was healthy and good looking.  

I can't bring myself to post how much I weigh now.
I'll just say that I'm still below 200lb.
However, I am 5'4 and the weight has crept on like a fog rolling in.
Quiet and unassumingly.
My body aches.
My clothes don't fit.
I feel unattractive. Ugly, even.


What's terribly interesting about all this is that I have no negative feelings about others that are overweight.  
I do not judge them. 
 I do not think they are unattractive.  
I see them as my friends and family and don't think another thing about it.

I judge myself quite differently than I do others.
In the case of the numbers below, all the cosmetic reasons for losing weight need to take a back seat to my health.

My cholesterol is 241(very high), 180 is the number I should be.
My HDL is 63 (normal/"best")
My LDL is 164(high)
Here is what the American Heart Association has to say about my cholesterol levels.

These numbers need to get into my brain.  
They need to make an impact on my choices because buying a bigger pants, or aching all over, or feeling groggy in the mornings because I ate right before bed is not making a difference in my behavior.

My main excuses up until now are:
I hate exercising. It makes me hurt. It makes me feel awful.
I hate the thought of giving up my 'drug' of choice--- fatty, salty/sugary foods.
I use food to make myself feel good, if only for a moment.
Conversely, once the food is consumed, I feel icky again.  
Guilty in fact.
Someone who doesn't "eat their emotions" cannot understand this behavior.
I have gained and lost the same 50 lbs for the last 20 years.

If I keep on my current trajectory of gaining weight, I will not be able to fully enjoy the second half of my life.  In the photo below, you can just see the tiny baby belly that my daughter-in-love, Katie is beginning to show.  
I will not easily get up and down off the floor to play with my granddaughter!

Anyway, I've officially outed myself.
I have to lose some weight.
My willpower and self-loathing are not in my control right now.
I have to be willing to hurt and feel sick when I exercise.
I have to be willing to give up eating as much as I want, whenever I want.
I have to be willing to work through those moments/hours/days when I feel like I would feel better if I just sat down with a bag of Cheetos and put my feet up.

I have joined Weight Watcher for the 4th time.
Wish me luck.
Say a prayer.
Light a candle.
I need all the help I can get.

September 2014
December 2007 
Me and Eric's buddy, Dave Orvis
September 2006

5 comments:

  1. Best wishes! You have some big challenges ahead. All those birthdays that give wisdom, also mess with the hormones and metabolism. My suggestion is find a time early, early when the temps are nice and before the day gets complicated to put in a few miles walking at least three times a week. In a few months you'll be so far from home nobody will be able to find you. ;D. Seriously. Walking is a great addition to any lifestyle.

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  2. I will most certainly say a prayer for you. I also have a weight problem and it is starting to affect my health. Part of my problem started when I went thru menopause and now as I age my joints ache due to arthritis. I still try to walk every day and I take a Tai Chi class but to no avail - I love food too much, especially chocolate. So I know what you are going thru and I do wish you the best of luck. Weight Watchers is still the best diet program out there - you chose wisely. Keep us posted, we are all cheering you on!!

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  3. I'm a lapsed lifer with WW, I've rejoined (for the umpteenth time!) working on getting down to a healthier weight also. Walking is still my favorite form of exercise, especially since we're going to be getting cooler (80 for a high this Saturday, woohoo!) My sister also found a yoga class - 'The Yoga You Need' - in Wimberley. I *highly* recommend it - $3 per class, and it isn't about bending into unnatural and painful positions, it's about stretching and strengthening and working the body so it feels good. Good luck on your journey!

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  4. Oh, boy do I understand...Maybe your push will help me with MY push!!!

    Linda
    http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com

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  5. Maybe try donkey trekking:) It's not really like exercise if you're all having too much fun to think about it. Donkeys LOVE going for walks.

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