Here we are, January 2, 2012 and this is my second blog post.
Two days in a row.
Does that mean I'm on a streak to post every day?
In fact, I'd all but given up blogging, but my niece asked me to continue.
She has her reasons.
What's funny is that I believe one of her reasons is the same reason I started this blog in the first place----to be out in the open with my children about my life. Sarah wants my kids to know about my life.
I know that it's not necessary (or even a good thing) to share every little detail about your life with your children. It's also not a good thing to keep secrets.
Goodness knows that the secrets find their way out of the deep once you pass away.
I guess for some folks, being dead is the best place to be when people they love find out their secrets. It's also the cruelest form of punishment. There's no Q & A session when one party is dead.
All that said, I find that my blog posts have tapered off 57 posts in 2011 from 2010.
Maybe I've said all there is to say?
Not likely. Just ask the humans and pets around me.
Maybe I've discovered my life isn't all that interesting---it hasn't evolved since I began this blog in 2008?
In looking back over blog posts from the last 4 years, it's really about the same stuff. I think at my age and career choice (stay at home mom), life is supposed to be stable and quiet. Some folks would kill for a little boredom in their lives.
Mostly, the drop in posts is because of sadness.
It's not depression. Goodness knows I've battled that beast in my life and consider it beat back into a cage. I know the difference between sadness and depression, for certain.
The sadness comes from things in my life that hurt me.
Things I can't really talk about in my blog. I want to, really I do.
I want people to say,
"It'll be okay."
"I've been through it and this is how it turned out."
"You've said everything there is to say, but you have to let go."
"You can't do anything any different than you're doing right now."
The sadness blocks my creativity. It has gone so far as to block the very sun from the sky.
Blogging, picture taking, and cooking are creative things that I do. I haven't gone out with my camera in months.
In trying to remember how long I've felt this way, I looked back at last years blog. I found the first time I "didn't" blog about it in September.
Has it really been that long?
One quarter of the year.
Don't think that I've just moped around the house and felt sorry for myself and our family situation.
No........well, not every day.
It's just that life has lost it's luster.
Mostly, I've gotten past it. Given up.
My son will do what he wants to do, whether it hurts me and his father or not.
I have come to a place that in my heart, with the help of some wise folks around me that says,
He will have the life he has chosen, whether he ends up liking it or not.
It will be exactly what he wants... or not.
He will discover 10 years down the road that he feels trapped or he will be glad he never looked around.
I believe that he has chosen a life that will be an mountainous struggle.
I believe he will be giving up dreams.
I believe he has given up his true self and most of his friends along the way.
He believes I'm out of my gourd for thinking those things.
The trouble is, I've been where he is.
I've walked in the very same path he's walked.
I know how it turns out.
Luckily, I got off that path before it swallowed me whole and spit me out.
However, every parent on the planet knows, you have to let kids learn their own lessons---they cannot learn from yours.
Profound sadness are the descriptive words I use when writing those "believe" sentences above.
And so, if my blogging isn't daily or weekly, it's because I'm missing something.
I think I'm mostly on the other side of this sadness. The situation is completely out of my control. I choose to move beyond it.
It will be what it will be.
The picture at the top of the page is a reminder of a happier heart. One where I did something for myself each week. I'm going to do that again. This year, I will do something for myself, my heart, one day a week.
I will be going back to the farm. I will be cleaning and packing amazing veggies and fruit.
The quiet labor of the farm feeds my soul. The smell of the earth feeds it as well.