Monday, January 2, 2012

Blogs and Personal Lives

Here we are, January 2, 2012 and this is my second blog post.
Two days in a row.
Does that mean I'm on a streak to post every day?
Hardly.

In fact, I'd all but given up blogging, but my niece asked me to continue.
She has her reasons.
What's funny is that I believe one of her reasons is the same reason I started this blog in the first place----to be out in the open with my children about my life. Sarah wants my kids to know about my life.

I know that it's not necessary (or even a good thing) to share every little detail about your life with your children. It's also not a good thing to keep secrets.
Goodness knows that the secrets find their way out of the deep once you pass away.
I guess for some folks, being dead is the best place to be when people they love find out their secrets. It's also the cruelest form of punishment. There's no Q & A session when one party is dead.

All that said, I find that my blog posts have tapered off 57 posts in 2011 from 2010.
Theory:

Maybe I've said all there is to say?
Not likely. Just ask the humans and pets around me.

Maybe I've discovered my life isn't all that interesting---it hasn't evolved since I began this blog in 2008?
Partly.
In looking back over blog posts from the last 4 years, it's really about the same stuff. I think at my age and career choice (stay at home mom), life is supposed to be stable and quiet. Some folks would kill for a little boredom in their lives.

Mostly, the drop in posts is because of sadness.
It's not depression. Goodness knows I've battled that beast in my life and consider it beat back into a cage. I know the difference between sadness and depression, for certain.

The sadness comes from things in my life that hurt me.
Things I can't really talk about in my blog. I want to, really I do.
I want people to say,

"It'll be okay."
"I've been through it and this is how it turned out."
"You've said everything there is to say, but you have to let go."
"You can't do anything any different than you're doing right now."

The sadness blocks my creativity. It has gone so far as to block the very sun from the sky.
Blogging, picture taking, and cooking are creative things that I do. I haven't gone out with my camera in months.

In trying to remember how long I've felt this way, I looked back at last years blog. I found the first time I "didn't" blog about it in September.
Has it really been that long?

Three months.
One quarter of the year.

Don't think that I've just moped around the house and felt sorry for myself and our family situation.
No........well, not every day.
It's just that life has lost it's luster.
Mostly, I've gotten past it. Given up.

My son will do what he wants to do, whether it hurts me and his father or not.

I have come to a place that in my heart, with the help of some wise folks around me that says,
He will have the life he has chosen, whether he ends up liking it or not.
It will be exactly what he wants... or not.
He will discover 10 years down the road that he feels trapped or he will be glad he never looked around.

I believe that he has chosen a life that will be an mountainous struggle.
I believe he will be giving up dreams.
I believe he has given up his true self and most of his friends along the way.
He believes I'm out of my gourd for thinking those things.

The trouble is, I've been where he is.
I've walked in the very same path he's walked.
I know how it turns out.
Luckily, I got off that path before it swallowed me whole and spit me out.
However, every parent on the planet knows, you have to let kids learn their own lessons---they cannot learn from yours.

Profound sadness are the descriptive words I use when writing those "believe" sentences above.
And so, if my blogging isn't daily or weekly, it's because I'm missing something.

I think I'm mostly on the other side of this sadness. The situation is completely out of my control. I choose to move beyond it.
It will be what it will be.

The picture at the top of the page is a reminder of a happier heart. One where I did something for myself each week. I'm going to do that again. This year, I will do something for myself, my heart, one day a week.
I will be going back to the farm. I will be cleaning and packing amazing veggies and fruit.
The quiet labor of the farm feeds my soul. The smell of the earth feeds it as well.






7 comments:

  1. CeeCee, I think we all have been where you are right now. Yes, it is hard to get past the hurt and sadness. But as any good parent knows we must let our children make their own mistakes, just be there to pick up the pieces and love them unconditionally. I would hate to see you give up your blog as I really enjoy reading it - your niece is correct in saying don't give it up. You have made a lot of friends through your blog and we are all here for you if you need us. Go back to your farm and enjoy working with the veggies and animals; it is very therapeutic. Hang in there, you are loved by many.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Aunt CeeCee, you know my struggles... You've been there, you've done that. I'm glad your blog is back... mostly because I'm selfish and I'm getting to see a part of you that I don't always get to see. You are a STRONG woman, I am SO proud of you, I am proud that you are mine, that you are my family, often times my rock when I am in a deep sadness and struggling myself. I'm glad you are open and honest and most of all, I'm glad you are you. I hope that someday your children fully understand the love that you feel for them... I never really understood it until I was a parent myself... Being a parent is the most difficult job on the planet and you are very good at it. I'm glad you chose it and I'm glad it chose you as well. I love you... this too shall pass... maybe not soon enough but someday... XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  3. I admire you for being able to write what you feel. I understand and feel your pain with your child. I wish our children would listen to us. Know that I do appreciate you and your blog. I am praying for you. God bless.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm so terrible at saying the right things at times like this... it's much easier for me to offer a hug.

    I'm so glad you're going to do something for yourself, your heart - though - good for you.

    As you've said so eloquently, I feel like I know you and am proud to call you a friend. And I want my friend to be happy. xo

    ReplyDelete
  5. I don't know if I have ever commented on your blog or not, but I have read for a while and I remember your post in September. What's funny is, I could be writing the same thing on my blog....except, I would be writing it as the child, about the choices my father is making in his life right now. It's difficult to sit and watch people we love making choices we can only see ending in more hurt and pain. But, you are right that it's not within our control. I hope your situation improves and I hope you are able to continue blogging...I will be here reading!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh CeeCee - it's so nice to see you posting again, and so heartbreaking to know you are hurting. I wish I had words that would bring comfort to you, instead I will offer prayers that you will find comfort and peace in knowing the foundation you provided your son is a solid one. And that the path he is choosing does not alienate the very people who love him the most. (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ceecee, sometimes writing is good therapy. Who cares if anyone even reads it (I think it might have been you that told me that). It's your stuff so do what you want. I have some stuff my Grandpa wrote before blogging existed. I cherish it. So write...someday someone may cherish your words and your thoughts, but don't write for any reason that your own

    ReplyDelete