I should be glad that the kids are back in school. I'm not real sure their being in school or not, has anything to do with my feeling droopy.
I normally do very well with things that are out of my control. Lately, I've been letting negative stuff into my head and allowing it to swim around for days at a time. All of it, every bit, is out of my control. Why isn't my Serenity Prayer working?
Here's a quick run down of stuff that I'm letting incapacitate me. Make me want to lay on the couch and watch mindless television all day.
1. Another bloggers wife died recently. I followed their progress for several months. I was sad when she finally succumbed to her cancer. Was that what got me down? No, it was the fact that he went on a weekend bike trip just a few days after the funeral and left his 4 grieving children with family. He then proceeded to get in a horrible bike wreck, tumbled 20 feet down a rocky embankment, and then blogged about it. His poor kids! What if he'd been badly injured, or worse.
Then, he left them again to go to accept an award with LiveStrong for raising the most money for them this year---again, without his kids. Surely they start school soon. Surely they need their father to help them with this process.
Why do I care? Can I do anything about this? No, the only thing I can do is quit reading his blog. I've done that now. I don't know him or his situation. Maybe he's an amazing dad and he's just not blogging about his kids right now. His blog, after all, is about biking. (sigh)
2. Two kids, Tom's age, killed themselves last Saturday. Really that should be all I need or want to know about it. For some reason I'm obsessed with the fact that details aren't being released. It shouldn't matter--they're both dead. It's just so senseless and why didn't anyone see any warning signs? I can't imagine in my wildest nightmares, what their parents are going through. Maybe that's why it's bugging me. The same thing happens when there are kids killed from our town in car accidents.
3. Tom is a Senior this year. That means he'll be going to college this time next year. I'm so proud of him. I can see he's getting his wings under him and will be able to fly the nest next year. I kind of like him a little bit and so am feeling a bit sad about the whole thing.
4. James is struggling with some stuff right now. I promised I wouldn't blog about specifics, and so I won't. There are some things I can help him with, and the rest he has to work on himself. My problem is, I don't know where the line is there. Am I helping too much? Is he relying on me too much?
5. I've given up my time at the farm. The benign condition I have (costochondritis) is harmless, but painful. Any extra stress I put on the muscles, ligaments, and tendons in my sternum, causes me to be in pain for days. Farm work causes stress on all those things. What now? It's the one thing that was mine. The one thing that I looked forward to every week.
The first four items are 'mom' related. I see that.
I just can't seem to find a place in the middle of all these feelings where I can breathe. Things that need to be done, aren't getting done. Then there's the guilt of not getting things done.
Many of you reading this will say, "you're depressed, get help". I know what depression is and this isn't there yet. I'm just having to remind myself that I can lean on God when my ability to work the Serenity Prayer is failing. Honestly, there is just some sad stuff happening around me right now and it will fade. Depression is when you don't think things will get better. I know they will, I just have to ride this out.