Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Feeling a Bit Droopy

Drooping Flowers (1) by joeysplanting.
I should be glad that the kids are back in school. I'm not real sure their being in school or not, has anything to do with my feeling droopy.

I normally do very well with things that are out of my control. Lately, I've been letting negative stuff into my head and allowing it to swim around for days at a time. All of it, every bit, is out of my control. Why isn't my Serenity Prayer working?

Here's a quick run down of stuff that I'm letting incapacitate me. Make me want to lay on the couch and watch mindless television all day.
1. Another bloggers wife died recently. I followed their progress for several months. I was sad when she finally succumbed to her cancer. Was that what got me down? No, it was the fact that he went on a weekend bike trip just a few days after the funeral and left his 4 grieving children with family. He then proceeded to get in a horrible bike wreck, tumbled 20 feet down a rocky embankment, and then blogged about it. His poor kids! What if he'd been badly injured, or worse.
Then, he left them again to go to accept an award with LiveStrong for raising the most money for them this year---again, without his kids. Surely they start school soon. Surely they need their father to help them with this process.
Why do I care? Can I do anything about this? No, the only thing I can do is quit reading his blog. I've done that now. I don't know him or his situation. Maybe he's an amazing dad and he's just not blogging about his kids right now. His blog, after all, is about biking. (sigh)

2. Two kids, Tom's age, killed themselves last Saturday. Really that should be all I need or want to know about it. For some reason I'm obsessed with the fact that details aren't being released. It shouldn't matter--they're both dead. It's just so senseless and why didn't anyone see any warning signs? I can't imagine in my wildest nightmares, what their parents are going through. Maybe that's why it's bugging me. The same thing happens when there are kids killed from our town in car accidents.

3. Tom is a Senior this year. That means he'll be going to college this time next year. I'm so proud of him. I can see he's getting his wings under him and will be able to fly the nest next year. I kind of like him a little bit and so am feeling a bit sad about the whole thing.

4. James is struggling with some stuff right now. I promised I wouldn't blog about specifics, and so I won't. There are some things I can help him with, and the rest he has to work on himself. My problem is, I don't know where the line is there. Am I helping too much? Is he relying on me too much?

5. I've given up my time at the farm. The benign condition I have (costochondritis) is harmless, but painful. Any extra stress I put on the muscles, ligaments, and tendons in my sternum, causes me to be in pain for days. Farm work causes stress on all those things. What now? It's the one thing that was mine. The one thing that I looked forward to every week.

The first four items are 'mom' related. I see that.
I just can't seem to find a place in the middle of all these feelings where I can breathe. Things that need to be done, aren't getting done. Then there's the guilt of not getting things done.

Many of you reading this will say, "you're depressed, get help". I know what depression is and this isn't there yet. I'm just having to remind myself that I can lean on God when my ability to work the Serenity Prayer is failing. Honestly, there is just some sad stuff happening around me right now and it will fade. Depression is when you don't think things will get better. I know they will, I just have to ride this out.

13 comments:

  1. My Dearest CeeCee, I love you! aunt jean

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  2. Now CeeCee, I know exactly what you need. Some good lovin' from a soft sweet horse muzzle. And you know there is one here just waiting to "make out" with you!!

    DD

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  3. Just keep swimming...


    I don't mean that as a joke exactly, but sometimes that is all you can do...

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  4. Something I notice about some of your list items is that you're taking on the pain of those around you. Your empathy is getting the better of you. I recognize this very well. And it's a hard one to let go.
    There are no simple words or magic cure to help you feel better. Your recognition (and yes, even your list) of what's bothering you is a great way to start letting some things go. At least you've identified what "ails" you.
    Hugs to you - you've got a lot of support out here, this I promise you.
    p.s. I feel the exact same way as you do about the biker blogger dad widower. Had a hard time understanding the timing of that big bike ride so soon after her death. (i took him off my list of "reads", too)

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  5. This happens to me sometimes too, so many things come together and I can't seem to stop dwelling on them. I am sure your mood will improve soon! Just keep praying!

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  6. I understand completely CeeCee. I have been struggling to pull myself up for several months now...since my father in law passed. Or maybe it began before and I was to busy to see it. It is slowly getting better but there are days I just feel so much like you...not quite deep depression but on the verge. You have so many people out here that care about you so keep praying and I will too. Hugs!

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  7. Maybe you need another project, that is just yours. One that isn't so strenuous. Make a list of things you like best. What is available in the volunteer lists in your community? You have a right to feel a bit droopy.. the kids are gone and involved in their own thing. You are a very precious person and have so much to give to others... maybe you need to receive some back. From the other comments I hope you are receiving that love in abundance. Just open your arms wide and consider yourself hugged.
    That horse muzzle sounds inviting too...

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  8. Oh Cee Cee - I am so sorry you are going through this. I think Farmgirl's comment was really good. I tend to be overly empathetic too and I think it's hard NOT to be. I hope you work through all of this soon. Know that there are a whole bunch of us out here rooting for you.

    (((hugs)))

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  9. Thinking of you. Wishing you well.

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  10. Aunt CeeCee, Just wanted to tell you that we love you and are thinking of you. If you wanna break away you can always come to WI and see your newest niece, I'm sure she'll make you feel better :)

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  11. Hugs for you, my Texas Bloggin Friend. We all go through it. The worst part is that when one thing weighs us down, it seems that others just come piling in like being drawn to a magnet.

    (And on #1, I'm glad I'm not alone. I was feeling very similar. It just doesn't feel right, does it?)

    Hang in there sweetie. :)

    ~Lisa

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  12. PS.

    And what is this about:

    costochondritis

    I don't remember you blogging about this. Did I miss something?

    Feel better my friend!

    ~Lisa

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  13. 1. I quit reading after a few entries. Priorities were so out of line with family that I wanted to shake him by the shoulders and ask what he was thinking.

    2. If you knew the details it might be easier to understand. Understanding might make it easier to accept.

    3. mmmm My oldest turned 25 this month. My baby is a 16 year old junior who has her first job off the farm. Stop growing up!! My heart isn't ready.

    4. I'd still like to march into my 25 year old's life and straighten out her problems. I don't of course but that mothering instinct is as strong as the questions it causes.

    5. New CeeCee time! Maybe it's time to dive into a new project to help ease one through four.

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