I don't have much to say about today, but to notice how much I've healed in the last year. I could spend many, many pages discussing my feelings over the last year, but I won't. I was blessed to be able to realize that all my negative feelings weren't useful and certainly weren't going to be healed by going round and round in my head with them.
I know that she did the best she could. We are all individuals. What seems right at the moment can have a lasting impact on the future. We all have our demons, what we choose to do with them dictates our lives. Some expose their demons, and excise them. Others bury their demons, only to have them rise from the grave. Still others are consumed by them. My mother fell in the middle. Her demons rose up at times in our lives and licked at us as children. I chose not to pass her demons on to my own children. I also chose to excise my own demons in the last year regarding my mom. Cliche' ends here.
Today, I will pray for my brother and sister. I know they will have a day different than mine---for better or worse. I pray they will be gentle with themselves. I pray they will realize, like me, that living in the past and trying to heal wounds with a dead person, will avail them nothing. I pray that they will surround themselves with the knowledge that she did love us, she just didn't do it in a way that was certain to us.
I pray that my brother and sister will revel in the fact that they are blessed each day, with the ability to love their father and receive his love. In a very twisted sort of way, he was my mother's gift to them in the end. They might feel as though she robbed them of a lifetime with him, and it will be valid. I pray that they are able to move past those feelings and soak up all the love he has to give now. He is a good man. He's gentle and kind and opinionated and fair. He is their father.
More than anything, I have learned that I cannot fully live in the present if I'm constantly digging around in the past. Despite the fact that I am a mother, and have many super powers, I cannot live in two places at one time.
I was going to link some of my earlier posts about my mom, to this post. I choose not to, as they are in the past as well. A year ago today, my life changed forever. The good, the bad, and the ugly went with this day and the months that followed. I will live in the present today.
Much love today to my brother, my sister and their father.