I don't really know why I chose this picture. I took it years ago at Moody Gardens in Galveston, TX. Maybe I chose it because we are already thinking about a family vacation this summer. We have to plan far, far, in advance, because the kids each have a week long church camp and Tom has a sports camp he attends as well.
The kids have requested a trip to someplace with a beach. Lee and I are tossing around locations at this point. Wherever we go, me and a swimsuit will be involved. That brings me to another, "I don't know why?"
At 43, I've mostly made peace with the way I look. Mostly. According to the health gurus, I could stand to lose about 15 lbs. The AMA considers me overweight. I should lose the weight for health reasons. Vanity does not suit me. I've come to the conclusion that I will never, ever, look 25 again, no matter how hard I try.
Here's my dilemma. Whenever I get around other women who spend hours a week at the gym and/or have had plastic surgery, I feel uncomfortable. I feel fat. I feel much less attractive. Suddenly, I have nothing to say. I feel like when we're discussing things we do, that if working out, or biking or hiking aren't on my list, then there's something wrong with me. What is wrong with me that I don't want to lose 15 lbs or do a triathalon, or hundreds of crunches or stop eating ice cream? My head tells me "NOTHING", but my heart tells me "EVERYTHING". By the way, these women do nothing and say nothing to make me feel this way. No little biting comments or put downs.
I know, that I am a good person . I know I do important things in this world. I do things for 'me', but getting skinnier just isn't one of them. I don't know why I allow feelings of self-loathing to turn into a monster every time I'm around such women?
My two very best friends in the world are both thin. They don't make me feel awful or even self conscious. It's because they don't make a major production of anything they are doing to stay thin and they feel free to eat ice cream with me. One does work out every day, but it is purely for the health of her joints and bones.
I don't know why I turn into a self-conscious teenager when I'm around women who constantly discuss/compare weight loss strategies or how many miles they biked this week. I should be brighter than that. Certainly I know that waist size does not make me more or less of a person. Still.
Grace in Small Things #7
1. Spending alone time with Tom in the car
2. Watching the squirrels play
3. Having lunch with a friend
4. James asking if we got anything new or different from the CSA farm yesterday.
5. Lee asking how my time at the farm went.