My mom died just over 8 months ago. For about 7 months of that, I let my mind be in charge of the things I remembered about her, my childhood, my relationship with her. About a month ago, I chose to take charge. All my remberances, negative and positive, were useless. I can not go back and change one single thing. The Serenity Prayer finally took hold and I am free to be happy again.
Today, I needed to do some sewing---I cut those large microfiber cloths up to make washclothes. They need the two open sides, sewed so they don't fray. I, at one point in time, gave her my old sewing machine. After she died, I got it back. It has lived in the garage since February because I had no need for it, and because it smelled of cigarette smoke. The newer machine I have has never worked right (surprise). I brought the old one in from the garage.
Opening it nearly floored me. The cigarette smoke is still there. The ancient ash tray smell took my breath away. My heart began to ache again. I said my Serenity Prayer, took a deep breath and began my work. The feelings will not linger so long this time. Each time it happens, the time between ache and okay is shorter.
My dear sister, 'Aunt Noya', and my father-in-law, Evan have managed to make that pain shrink a great deal in the last month. In all the years my mom lived in the area, she rarely attended any of the activities my children were involved in. She missed out. My kids are great! Grandpa and Aunt Noya have attended James' soccer games in the last month. What great healing that has brought me! Extended family can be such a heartache or such a joy. I thank God that I've moved into the place in my life where it is joyful.