Sunday, May 11, 2008

Happy Mother's Day

For me, painted by Pearl.  It's wonderful!  

My mother died in February and I've tried all day not to think over the lists of "good and bad" in my head.  You know what, she was seldom a bad mother, just indifferent most of the time--at least with me.  I can't speak for my brother and sister.  Some weird part of me wants to be crushed that she isn't here for mother's day this year.  I know two women at church who very recently lost mothers too.  I'm pretty sure they are mourning the loss of their mothers on this day.  While today is hard for me, it is also easier in many ways.  I don't have to locate a mother's day card that is not too silly, but not too smarmy.  My mom always held me at arms length.  I believe she loved me, but didn't show it unless it was important to her at the time. What I come to most days is that she did the best she could.  It makes me feel better, anyway.  

As for me as a mother.  I'm not perfect.  I try every day to let them know that I really, really love them.  I also manage to growl at them at least once a day.  They bring out the best and worst in me, but at the end of the day I want them to know that they and their dad are the most important people in the world.  My kids (and I suspect yours, also) are the reason the saying "I love you, but I don't like you very much" was coined.  I also think they could say the very same thing about me. 

I try to remember every day that they aren't extensions of me, but their very own human being. It's okay that they don't like the same things I do.  It's okay that they disagree with me----respectfully, please.  It's okay that they are growing up--I'm fiercely proud of all three of them! I look forward to our future together and the things we'll share.  I want, at the end of my life, for them to be able to say they were glad they knew me.  I want them to be able to say, without a doubt, that I loved them madly.  I want them to remember my cooking, my silly songs, how much I loved their dad, that I tried to be fair, and that I cared what was going on in their lives--even when they didn't want to tell me. 

Thanks kids.  Being your mom is the most important thing I'll ever do.
Love, hugs and kisses,


  1. Did we have the same mothers? Add a decade, right down to the month, and I'm in the same seat today. My other did the best she could and I love her for that. She had no real role model to teach her. Still, she was disinterested as long as I wasn't embarrassing her. It gets easier each year. It's still pretty much the same feelings for me but they're not as intense.

  2. Robin, my mom was 10th of 11 children. I am quite sure she was ignored by her own mother. One of her sisters basically raised her---each of the older girls was assigned the new baby that came along.

    I just can't imagine not wanting to nibble each baby toe, kiss tiny cheeks madly, and fill with joy at each belly laugh.

    Again, she did the best she could. Sometimes I just wonder, "If I am raising my own children different than I was raised, why couldn't she?" It doesn't really matter. Luckily, I haven't let it wound me too deeply. I just think she missed out on a great kid--me.

  3. Dear CeeCee,
    Without a doubt, as your witness, I KNOW that your children will look back on yours and their lives when yours closes, and they will talk about how great you are. I love you. sis

  4. Nicely stated. Mothers stew and fret so fathers can take the "more rational" approach. Good for the kids and dad. You will be cherished by your kids. Seems impossible now but have faith, it will happen. jdc

  5. CeeCee, I love, love love EVERYTHING you wrote in this blog post. I felt like you were writing from my own heart, too.

    It's such a special feeling reading this and knowing there are other Moms out there who go through the same feelings, experiences, and challenges...and joys.

    And I feel a bit like you in regards to Mothers, too. My own Mother committed suicide when I was just 8 years old. She also held me at a distance, too. But I think much of that was due to her own selfish focus of her serious emotional health problems.

    But it's taken me years and years to get over wondering if she ended her life because she was unhappy with me or being my Mother.

    What you said about our children being their own people and not an extension of us, has given me a peace about my own past with my Mother.

    Your children are so blessed to have you as their Mom, CeeCee. Because of your Mother/Child experiences you will always be aware of your relationships with your children. And they will benefit from your love, concern and dedication.

    Happy Mothers Day!

    And talented Pearl's card is simply amazing.